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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The truth about worms

     It's time to get down to the nitty gritty about my fear of worms, centipedes, millipedes and the like.  In wrapping up our final study on Fear today, Mrs. Kay asked us a very important question: Do you really want to be delivered from your fear?  I don't. I feel like being delivered from this particular fear will mean I have to face this fear. But it doesn't mean that at all. Allowing God to catch my heart as it leaps out of my chest whenever one of these fire-breathing creatures comes within eye site in no way means that I have to love the daggum things! But through the last three weeks of this study I've had some time to get on my knees and really discuss the root of this fear with the Lord. I know many of you think this fear is absolutely ridiculous, well, so does Jim and so do I, a little bit. But if you have a minute, I'd love to share with you the real fear behind this seemingly ridiculous fear...
     There are two very traumatic events that occurred in my childhood that have led to this phobia. The first being sexual abuse that I endured as a child. Stemming from this I developed an awareness of certain people, mainly men, who just creaped me out, at first glance even, they gave me hibby jibbies. My heart leaps out of my chest and all the feelings of the fears from those days in my life are welled up within me. At some point during this time, there was a cartoon on television that had a big purple catepillar with all these moving arms. The character itself gave me the "hibby jibbies," but those arms just made it worse. Ever since then, when I see a catepillar, or worm with lots of little moving arms, I get the hibby jibbies, the sharp pain down my left side, my heart jumps to the heavens and I miss a few breaths. So maybe it's not the actual worm that is creaping me out, but the fear of the feelings of the fear that I had as a child. I can hear you now...girl, you need some counseling. The issues from my past have been dealt with and the Lord has brought me through a tremendous journey accepting it and not allowing it to remain as baggage in my life. In this instance, I did accept His deliverance!
     The second event that brings centipedes and millipedes to the phobia began on a very specific day and time. It too, is the fear of the fear I felt that day. I was twelve. My momma was dying from lung cancer. I was staying in her hospital room with her on this particular day. From the cot in the room I watched my momma get up from the bed, chemo medication in i.v. line going in one arm, oxygen mask on her face, reach into the bedside drawer, bringing out a cigarette and lighter that she tried to conceal from me by sticking them in the back of her underwear...she must have forgotten that the hospital gowns didn't close in the back. She went into the bathroom, closed the door, and I heard her light up. Anger, fear, confusion-you name it, all came into my young head. What was she doing? Didn't the cigarettes get her here to begin with? She was killing herself. It would be many years later before I realized what she was really doing. When I saw this I was shocked, frozen, I didn't know what to do. I ran to the door to tell a nurse. I stopped as I opened it, thinking, oh no, they will kick her out of the hospital, I can't tattle on her. Then I thought, I'd tell my daddy. But telling my daddy would only lead to his anger against me for telling on momma. So I decided to keep this to myself and never tell anyone. As I walked back to my bed, trying not to cry, I saw a centipede crawling up the side of the cot where I had just been sitting. This is a hospital for crying out loud, this is supposed to be a safe place. My momma is in the bathroom lighting a cigarette with her oxygen mask on, I'm waiting for that big boom and now a centipede has to come in here too! You have got to be kidding me! Even now, the smell of centipedes, remind me of my momma and the pain she was in and how she continued to do what she did because she knew it would help the pain end that much sooner. I don't know if I could blame her, but at the time I was angry with her. I was angry with God. She was leaving my sister and me behind with a daddy who was much like the "devil" those days.
     These two particular events don't have control over me nowadays, I've allowed God to work in my heart and heal that anger, pain and hurt.  However, over the years I have allowed satan to feed the fear from the surrounding environments of them into what it has become today. I run screaming, sometimes crying and hyperventilating. I don't feel "safe" when I feel that one of these creatures have come into an area that I consider to be a "safe zone."  I feel violated. In the spring, when the catepillars fall from the trees, everyone is thinking of the pretty butterflies that will soon arrive. Not me, all I can think of is how can I safeguard my home from them. We limit our time outside and you will not find me walking through the grass!
     I hope this helps some of you understand that my fear of these creatures isn't superficial at all. Maybe knowing this, you can pray for me in a new way, instead of that Candise wouldn't be afraid of worms. But in a way that I don't feel the fear I felt as a child when I thought the bad things happening were my fault or that my momma was killing herself. No, pray that from now on, when I do face these creatures, and I will, I know it, that I will be as bold as David, that I will seek the Lord, and that I will allow Him to deliver me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 And when I do fear, that I know God will catch my heart as it leaps out and I will be reminded of all from which He has saved me and I will rejoice because the Lord is faithful and He will never leave us nor forsake us.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Candise, thank you for sharing from you heart! I will be praying for you! Thanks for being a part of our Bible Study group. It was great!


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